It was not meant to be this way! I had a fire burning within me, a dream of impacting my city with the message and power of Jesus Christ! In my mind, and in my heart, all systems were go. My internal dialogue went something like this, "You just wait and see....It is going to be great...People's lives are going to be changed...... my church plant is going to flourish........I may even have a bit of a ministry on the side, speaking at other churches, ministries and organizations". So off I went and planted a church and began having meetings, organizing studies, helping people with their problems, inviting special speakers arranging for outings and generally doing everything that is expected of a young aspiring pastor to the best of my ability. The problem is I was dying. My dream had one glaring omission, an omission that I was going to pay dearly for. You see, I had failed to take into account, and prepare for the fact, that my dream would be lived out in a context. My immediate context was the following:-

• I had a lovely family of a wife and (then) two young boys that needed me.
• I was working a full-time job.
• My organization required me to obtain some professional qualifications - this was actually something that was shoved on me and I had not really planned on having to obtain a degree.
• I planted this church as a HUGE leap of faith, starting from ZERO. I actually did not know that it was critical to PLAN for the church plant, to get busy in the background, putting things and systems into place, before all the lights are on you and the curtain goes up. I would do a lot of background preparation should I have to do this in this way again.
• At that time we were a handful of people meeting in a home with no agenda, no music skills for worship leading, nothing much other than open bibles and hearts full of faith - -this may sound very spiritual and ideal, except that we had a goal of setting up a church and had no idea how to go about it. Translation: I had to do it all. It is a miracle we are still here.

Three years went by too quickly and things looked as if they were slowly but surely headed the right way. We had somebody leading worship, Sunday services were inspiring, we had a few cool testimonies of God showing up in power and doing the stuff that only he can do. Little did I know that I was suffering from a deadly disease, a disease that would require the skills of a master surgeon to correct. In 2006 I hit a wall. I was so busy that my family life was suffering; in church I was just going through the motions, and I often dreamed of leaving the ministry and settling down to a nice quiet life of pursuing my passion for books and reading. Some call this burnout. The last two years have seen me on a road to healing and wholeness. Although I cannot say that I have arrived at my desired destination, I can say that I have learnt quite a bit about staying healthy as a leader. The first milestone on my road to recovery came when I realized that God wants me in this race for the long haul. By stretching out the vision for my life to a long-term one, the main question then shifted from one of performance, to one of sustainability, “How can I run this race in order to finish well”? These, my friend, are some of the answers that I have stumbled upon: Rhythm: In our modern urban environments we live in an always-on, always-connected and always-productive world, and we have lost sight of a sense of rhythm that is seen in nature. This is still appreciated in more agrarian societies. There is day and then there is night. You work hard during the day and then rest during the night. There are seasons when a certain kind of crop is being grown, and then there are seasons when this particular crop sits inside a bag of seed, in a storeroom somewhere....doing nothing. There are cycles of ploughing, sowing, watering, weeding, harvesting, and then slash and burning the left-over stubble before starting all over again. Farmers used to allow for the land to rest and replenish in between these harvesting cycles – unfortunately, market forces have plagued western agriculture to such an extent that the always-productive malaise has caused an over-taxing of the land, with resulting soil nutrient depletion and its ramifications....but that is another story altogether. Mother Theresa used to minster in the streets of Calcutta every morning, but at noon she had given strict orders that the work had to stop and that they had to return for times of prayer in order to maintain their spiritual vitality. Many criticized her for doing this when there was so much desperate need staring her at the face, but she gave top priority to staying healthy spiritually and I have come to understand and even appreciate the importance of this. Mother Theresa understood rhythm. For me at the moment rhythm translates into honouring what the bible calls "keeping the Sabbath". I am trying to this by taking one day a week and setting it aside for resting, hanging-out with friends and family, stopping to smell the roses, and basically enjoy and appreciate this awesome life that the Creator has given me. I am learning to recover a sense of rhythm. Slowing down: I find it a constant struggle to slow down and take care of myself when I am always faced with the tyranny of the urgent. For this, I am learning from cultures that some may consider “third world” and I see that in their “under-developed” state they have retained something very valuable. A recent comment by a Moroccan friend of a missionary that I know highlights this point nicely:

“You westerners have the watch.......but we have the time”.

People in agrarian societies work very hard, but they are hardly ever in a hurry. They get things done, but at a pace that is in harmony with nature's cycles, seasons and rhythms. We, however, live at an outrageous pace, and at the end of it all we have bad fruit to show for all of our busy-ness. I am learning to slow down. I am learning that if Mary had to wait for nine months for the saviour Jesus to show up, the world can wait a little whilst I take care of myself in order to remain healthy. I am not much use to anyone otherwise. I am learning to slow down. The power of nothing: We celebrate results. We want to impress people with our achievements and successes. In part, this is healthy for we were born to be great. The context of success, though, is equally important. We tend to associate success with a mentality that values ever-increasing widgets exiting a production line, and items crossed from a to-do list, rather than a mentality that celebrates full stops and parentheses. It is in the stillness, silence, solitude and surrender of the Chrysalis that the caterpillar is transformed into a butterfly. In that place where “nothing” is happening, a deep transformation is taking place. This change does not require the sweat of the brow, it does not come with much labour nor is it conditional on much “doing”. In this place of rest and quietness a new nature is blossoming and will come forth into its fullness. "Nothing" for me translates into having a raw trust that I am in the "Chrysalis" of the Father's Love. In surrendering to that place and enjoying God through times of silence, stillness and solitude (.....no agenda......no great works.....nothing.......just me....and Him) a deep transformation is taking place, and a new nature is blossoming and will come forth into its fullness. I am learning to love this place of “nothing”. In my recovery from burnout I am being challenged to shift from an attitude that celebrates getting things done, to an attitude that celebrates “nothing”. The lives of many now depend on this, and I would not have it any other way.